did you know soap doesn’t really clean your hands it just makes the water molecules smaller so the water can go into smaller crevices in your skin isn’t that the weirdest shit you’ve read today
i accidentally spilled monster energy drink in my fish bowl and now my goldfish won’t stop saying “bro” and keeps flexing it’s fins
Fox News is so incredily diverse. Look at all the color: eggshell, mayo, flour, starch, bleach, cauliflower
i had a book when i was a kid where u could write ur own knock knock jokes and im still laughing at it
“what if the aborted baby could have cured cancer???”
oh my god what if the last egg I bled onto a kotex product could have cured cancer??
oh my god how am I not birthing every possible egg I produce, lest one of those resulting babies be the person who cures cancer/AIDS/creates world peace????
what if that baby could have been a musical artist described by pitchfork as “liberace with a metalcore twist”????
how dare i not be pregnant/birthing all the time always?????
I once had a drunk guy tell me I was too sexy to be shooting up at a party. He knocked the needle out of my hands and stepped on the pen, shattering the casing, telling me I should thank him by giving him my number and a kiss. It was my diabetes medicine.
(submitted by anonymous)
Lie down and look up at the ceiling and breathe with those curiously fragile lungs of yours and remind yourself: Don’t worry. Don’t worry. All is as it was meant to be. It was meant to be lonely and terrifying and unfair and heaving. Don’t worry.
Aries: dirt pile
Cancer: ANGRY nerdlord
Leo: feisty young’n
Virgo: strategically draped piece of fabric
Libra: anime trash
Scorpion: le hawt nb yaoiz partner
Sagittarius: cutie patoot but also NEEEEEEEEERD
Capricorn: the coolest cat around
Aquarius: emotional wreck but MY emotional wreck
Pisces: avril lavigne fan